(Note: These are also great gift ideas for any celebration shared by millions of people — including Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, etc.)
I enjoy Christmas, and although it’s not about gift-giving in a literal sense, I do enjoy giving and receiving gifts.
However, whereas some people have a talent for picking gifts, I am not exactly gifted when it comes to gift-giving.
Of course that pun was intentional. Stop looking at me like that.
(A book titled “I’m just not gifted at gift-giving” and other GREAT JOKES Now in glorious comic sans with the text all askew)
One year I gave Anneke some bacon-flavoured lip balm for Christmas, and the fact that we’re now engaged is both 1) a testament to her ability to forgive and 2) a Christmas miracle!
(To use the term “miracle” loosely, which seems to be the norm.
Cf. Miracle-Gro, Miracle-Ear, Leon’s No Money Miracle, the Miracle on Ice, etc.)
So, I guess what I’m saying is my gift ideas have sometimes been balmy. And high in nitrites. And lipids.
Lipids.
(That wasn’t meant to add emphasis to the first half of the word; it was meant to subtract emphasis from the second half of the word.)
So, if you’re like me and can only think of terrible gift ideas, then I hope you’ll appreciate this list of great gift ideas. I created it, so the gift ideas are pretty great.
1) For yourself: A fun book on logic, so that you can see the lack of logic in the preceding 2 sentences. This way, you can avoid taking any of my gift-giving advice.
2) Also for yourself: A second book on logic, so that you can see the lack of logic in the preceding 2 sentences.
3) For your true love: A partridge in a pear tree, because that’s what one buys for one’s true love.
There’s an instructional song about this. So helpful!
4) Also for your true love: Five golden rings, for the same reason as above. Plus, that way (s)he can put a ring on each finger of one of his/her hands and pretend to be Wolverine except with gold rings instead of adamantium claws!!! Which is always a plus. Though adamantium claws would be preferable when opening the other gifts.
5) For a friend: A hug.
Unless (s)he isn’t a hugger, in which case, socks are a safe bet.
6) For mom: A crayon drawing that says “I love my mom”, except with some of the letters backwards in order to emulate your writing as a child and thereby bring mom back to the days of your childhood, when you used to be cute. The more childlike, the better.
In fact, it’s better that you hire a child to do the drawing. But it also needs to be “natural” and spontaneous, so the ideal situation would be to just steal a drawing from a child. It’s like stealing candy art from a baby child who’s old enough to write, but not old enough to write well!
A card that says I love you Mom. From Jeremy. (Not stolen.) It has flowers and hearts on it.
7) For dad: A mug that says “World’s Best Dad”, but with a footnote that clarifies that “best” is of course a subjective term, and that many other people would consider their own dad to be the best, but then again, those individuals’ mental exemplars of what constitutes a good dad were likely shaped primarily through their experiences with (you guessed it) their own dads, and thus there is a lot of bias and subjectivity going on here, though you are truly thankful for him, your particular dad.
The footnote could be on the inside of the mug, and you could fill the mug with his preferred beverage before giving it to him, so that the footnote ends up being an unexpected and pleasant surprise, a reminder of what a thoughtful and objective child he has raised and to whom he has contributed one-half of the genetic material, as well as love and resources.
8) For a brother or a sister: As in, a monk or a nun? That’s a hard one. I would postulate they’d appreciate a capuchin monkey or a cappuccino machine, if they have a habit of coffee drinking. Okay, these puns are getting really obscure really quickly.
9) For a sibling: A shirt that says “Mom & dad’s second-favourite child”.
Of course, this may be inappropriate
if you have multiple siblings,
in which case “Mom & dad’s third-favourite” might be more appropriate.
10) For your young child: Kids really like to be treated like grown-ups. Give the child a chance to be a grown-up for a day! But being a grown-up is hard. Dress your kid in a business suit and make him/her go to work! Have the child try to negotiate a difficult deal with a multinational corporation! Kids love a challenge.
11) For the animal lover, or any friend whom you have ever seen with an animal, or whom you have mentally pictured holding a cat, even if (s)he actually has an allergy, or a friend who has been known to use words like “cat” and “fun”, or any friend who is known to be sophisticated or “fancy”, or is a fan of Iggy Azalea: a lifetime subscription to Cat Fancy, as well as a suitably fancy cat. A sphynx cat would be preferable, but you would of course need to give it something to wear. In order to pay the appropriate lifetime subscription fee, you will need to know the projected longevity of the recipient of this amazing gift. But this gift is also best kept secret, so you will need to predict the date of said friend’s death by consulting with those in the know — his/her doctor, insurance company, and next-of-kin.
But do not spoil the surprise!! I cannot emphasize this enough. Ask the question casually, along the lines of “So, Norton hasn’t looked too healthy lately — think he’ll kick the bucket any time soon?” The use of the colloquialism “kick the bucket” helps keep the tone of the conversation light and not suspicious. I used italics for emphasis, but you can add emphasis by inserting a gap mid-sentence before and after the phrase “kick the bucket” (maybe 5 to 10 seconds’ pause, but no longer than one minute).
Alternatively, you could subtly emphasize the colloquialism simply by staring at Norton’s friend, without blinking, while saying the phrase “kick the bucket”.
Perhaps the best method of emphasis, though, would of course be to bring a physical bucket with you, and to literally kick it while asking the subtle question.
Of course, if your friend’s name isn’t Norton, you will have to modify the question accordingly. Let’s say your friend’s name is Daphne. If that’s the case, your dialogue might go something along the lines of:
You: “Daphne’s doctor…”
Doctor: “That’s my name.”
You: “Yes that is your name. I had a question, you know, a random question. I shouldn’t have even said ‘had’, because that’s the past tense, and I have never thought about this question in the past. Or the future, for that matter. Because it’s just a random, spur of the moment question.”
(At this point, you should show the doctor the spurs on your boots. You should be wearing boots with spurs on them. For emphasis.)
Doctor: “Nice spurs. Please ask me your random question that just appeared out of the blue. I see you are wearing blue [for emphasis].” (The boots should be blue, of course.)
You: “The random question is, [reading from notes written in pen on your hand, while pretending to just be casually staring at your hand] What is the projected longevity of Daphne, given what you know of her demographic details as well as her health history, such as diet and exercise? For what it’s worth, I can tell you that she has run 21.7 miles in the past 31 days, but she ate a burger yesterday.”
Doctor: “I have… a question…”
You: “The burger had cheese on it.”
Doctor: “Yes, that was the question. Thank you. Your friend’s projected longevity is 81.46 years, and I will keep you updated as her estimated longevity changes. You are such a good, spontaneous friend.”
Hope this helps!
Tags: bad ideas, Christmas, gift ideas, Puns
jeremyhasablog 