This blog post is about shopping for dresses online.
Yes, my man card has been revoked.
Anyway, this post aims to help boyfriends everywhere by decoding what online clothing stores are really saying when they describe their apparel. Of course, this guide is disguised as a blog post.
Without such guised guides for guys with which to address a dress purchase (perchance), you could apparently appear with “aperitif” apparel at your peril. Let’s attempt a tempting decryption of a description from ModCloth. (If those 2 sentences did not make sense, please read them again, more playfully.)
1. “A Sweet Aperitif Dress in Creme”
Description:
“A great chef once told you the perfect plate must have a balance of flavors. Tonight, you take that advice to heart by requesting a simple aperitif to harmonize with this pretty ivory dress of paisley lace. This artisanal concoction is the perfect intro to a dinner event, just as the slip lining of this hidden-back-zippered sheath is a great basis for your look. Styled with glossy red stilettos and earrings that dangle and glisten, this lined and satin-piped dress is alive with allure.”
Decryption:
“A great chef once told you the perfect plate must have a balance of flavors.”
Translation: You don’t know any great chefs. This first line is clearly a lie. Furthermore, they spelled “flavors” without a “u”. This is clearly un-Canadian.
“Tonight, you take that advice to heart by requesting a simple aperitif to harmonize with this pretty ivory dress of paisley lace.”
Translation: An aperitif is an alcoholic drink served before a meal. Ivory is elephant tusk. Paisley is a Country musician. Taken together, it is easy to see that this dress encourages
intemperance,
illegal poaching,
and even Country music.
“This artisanal concoction is the perfect intro to a dinner event, just as the slip lining of this hidden-back-zippered sheath is a great basis for your look.”
Translation: The author is subtly informing the reader that the dress comes with a free sword. Hence the hidden-back-zippered sheath, which is used for carrying a sword.
“Styled with glossy red stilettos and earrings that dangle and glisten, this lined and satin-piped dress is alive with allure.”
Translation: The dress is literally alive. Watch yourself.
A cursory examination of the web site reveals another sinister secret.
The Salty and Pepper dress is “piquant to taste” and “sure to be the favored flavor”.
The Blueberry Buckle dress looks “every bit as sweet as your delicious dessert!”
Yes, you guessed it. Many of these dresses are designed to be eaten.
It all makes sense now…
Salad… dressing.
Turkey stuffing is also called… dressing.
[“The National Turkey Federation states that the terms are interchangeable.” In other news… there is a National Turkey Federation.]
Dresses are for eating, not wearing. I now understand the origin of the phrase “I’m so hungry I could eat a dress”.
2. The aforementioned Blueberry Buckle dress has a similarly cryptic description:
“Baking away in the kitchen, you create yet another batch of your famous blueberry buckle – but this one is special! As the cake rises, you lovingly pluck this dotted dress from your closet and admire how it shares the same vibrant hue as your signature treat, before fawning over its sugar-white polka dots and coordinating trim at the patch pockets, hemline, foldover top, and ornate bodice seaming. You cinch the halter neck, then add peep toe wedges and a lacy cardi just as you hear the timer go off. You collect your buckle, then head out for your date, looking every bit as sweet as your delicious dessert!”
Decryption:
“Baking away in the kitchen, you create yet another batch of your famous blueberry buckle – but this one is special!”
Translation: In the context of baked goods, the term “special” has illicit and unsavoury connotations. Which makes sense given that blueberry buckle is a cake, which means it is sweet, which means it is not savoury, which means it is unsavoury.
“As the cake rises, you lovingly pluck this dotted dress from your closet and admire how it shares the same vibrant hue as your signature treat, before fawning over its sugar-white polka dots and coordinating trim at the patch pockets, hemline, foldover top, and ornate bodice seaming.”
Translation: “You lovingly pluck this dotted dress from your closet…” — so what were you wearing beforehand? The author does not elaborate. In any case, fawning describes the process of giving birth to a baby deer. Oh deer. Similarly, I was once taught that “just kidding” means that one is just giving birth to baby goats.
“Ornate bodice seaming” is just made up stuff.
“You cinch the halter neck, then add peep toe wedges and a lacy cardi just as you hear the timer go off. You collect your buckle, then head out for your date, looking every bit as sweet as your delicious dessert!”
Translation: “Peep toe wedges” are small, cheese-shaped marshmallow treats that one puts on one’s toes. A lacy cardi, presumably, is a dog. Similar to a corgi, but more lacy. Or perhaps it’s just a dog named Lacy. This might be intentional ambiguity on the part of the author.
Hope this helps clarify things! Good night, wear-ever you are!
p.s. this blog is not sponsored by ModCloth. Yet.
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